Somedays.. the past speaks

Last week, I brought a box of what I thought were sweaters, from my mom's house. When I went to open up the box, I found things ranging from baseball caps to my old journals. It was sort of just a mish mosh of a lot of different things I owned and held dear at one time. When I went through the sweaters, I realized that I didn't want any of them. The cowboy hats, thrilling whilst in Nashville, lose their luster back here in the north. As for some other hidden treasures: my old poetry notebooks and journals. Not sure what the worth is at this point, but looking through them gave me some insight into ghosts of the past. I decided that I would share one entry.. I think this might give a brief look into my head as a 16 year old.

February 25, 2001

I suppose life is all right. But have you ever felt like your life was a bottomless wishing well? Toss the coins of aspiration and dreams down, hoping and praying that the slight cling and clatter will ring acceptance into our ears. Perhaps the lack of that acceptance is what makes us stronger... but think about that phrase.. "makes us stronger.." Is there a point to experiencing traumatizing ordeals, only to chalk it up to lessons learnt? Is it the uncertainty or fear that keeps the door of our souls locked so tightly? He is hiding in the shadows of doubt and fear, and what's my response to that? It isn't human nature to show patience and acceptance to those who need it most. Rather, energy is exerted into being "politically correct" and caring for all the distorted, corrupt and sinful facets of man. Contrary to popular belief, love does discriminate. It hands itself to those who deserve it least of all, and yet hides itelf from compassion's orphan. Maybe tossing our dreams into that "wishing well" is just that.. tossing what we hope and pray for down into deep waters, somehow thinking that they'll be found and granted. Know this, relying on what appears solid, is the one thing that will bring all the chips down. Sometimes stability is best found in faith and the belief that it can be so much better than this...

I was 16 when I wrote that. To be honest, it's saddening to see how lost I felt at the time. It just proves that we grow in leaps and bounds when we allow ourselves to be open for that change. The Lord has been so good to me. I am so far from where I was then. I lived in a state of perpetual sadness, the reasons for which are not entirely lost on me today. I just choose the move in a constant forward motion. People who dwell on the past become embittered with the obstinate nature of it all. Why live in the past when there isn't a thing one can do to change it's events? After leafing through the whole thing, I decided I would throw it away. Some people may think that's silly, but I don't want to remember where I was back then. It's not a place I want to be again.

All I know is that life can be reduced to a series of choices. People who hide behind the past and a number of other things, are truly unable to let go long enough to find healing. Healing can be considered a frame of mind - you either want it, or you don't. I found healing when I let go of the anger in my heart. God did His part in bring my heart back to Himself. I was running.. without a purpose or direction.

The unfortunate part for most people, when they hit the brick wall, it isn't enough to wake them from their slumber.

Some say I am too blunt. Some say that I am too cynical. Some say that I am unfeeling and insensitive. All these things may be true... and while all these things may be part and parcel to my personality, they do not define me.

The One and Only Who defines me, is the One Whose healing Hand can save all. I pray for those who don't know Him. I pray for those who know Him and refuse to place Him in the driver's seat.

The road doesn't have to be traveled alone...

So why would anyone choose to do so?

Think about it... I've been there and come back. Not through my own volition. These are my late night thoughts..

Maybe someday, I will publish these, Pop.

Thanks for believing in me.

I am in love..

...With this beautiful season and it's amazing colors..

..with a wonderful husband who is my best friend and confidante..

.. and most importantly.. with Jesus. The Lover of my soul and my Saviour; through Whom all of these wonderful things combine with splendor and beauty that never cease to amaze..