Wow..

I cannot comprehend the ways my life has changed since my last post. The reality of change is something many people do not deal well with - I have always been very adaptable, change has always been my friend for this reason. I'm continually looking for ways to improve things, find ways to make things more "streamlined", so to speak. These are phrases that bloom directly from my experiences in my career - which has also changed. I am still a supervisor, still work at the same health system. I have changed to the main hospital campus, taken on a bigger department and am working to make it a more efficient version of itself.

Oh, and I am pregnant :-)

It's an incredible thing to stop and look at that sentence. I'm not even sure I knew what I was doing when we had that "let's try to start a family" conversation which ended up with me getting pregnant a lot sooner than expected. I am not complaining, just still a little amazed. I am due at the end of July with a little girl and I am over the moon excited to meet her. She will join a host of babies that have been born to some of my best friends recently, and she is the only girl. Dave has his work cut out for him already.

We are moving into a condo, which affords us a lot more space. Mostly, I just think that it's the feeling of "getting older" and moving forward on the proverbial hampster wheel. There's something about living in this country that makes everyone feel the necessity of "keeping up with the Jones's" and moving onward and upward. Why? I've begun to realize that the utter disdain most other nations feel towards ours has a lot to do with that simple truth: we are non-stop and all about instant "get-ification." Transitioning into this new stage in my life leaves me longing for a different living arrangement. A place where my maternity leave isn't crammed into 8 weeks because I can't afford to go too long without pay...

http://www.workingmomsbreak.com/just-the-facts/

This website is interesting to say the least. I will be joining ranks with these working moms and it's nice to know I'm not alone in the anxiety that presents.

Speaking of work, I should get back to it. I'll try to keep this updated a bit more often.

Am I Fireproof?

There are times when something comes along that changes a perspective - forever alters the very fabric of one's being. I think I've lost my way in some respects. I think that the well-beaten path has taken a turn into the dark and mysterious forest of self-reliance.

This forest is where I currently find myself residing; a very disconcerting realization. I have veered off course and found myself entrenched in this fight for my own rights, a fight for self-preservation. Uncertainty has bound and gagged me, left here shuddering and wondering which way is out. It's times such as these when the Lord reaches His Omniscient hand into my lowly existence, with something such as a message from a slightly obscure movie.

I recently signed up for Netflix and was surfing around for movies to fill my queue. I clicked on Fireproof even though I wasn't terribly interested in watching it. When we finally received it tonight, we loaded it up and so it began.. it almost didn't make it past the first 10 minutes, due to the cheesy beginning.

When it was over, I was reduced to tears. The movie was just the enveloped message from The Messenger. And I realized how completely lost anyone is without the Lord's presence. I realized how lost I've been because I wandered off the path where He was walking beside me. Deciding to take my own route, ended me up here... on my couch.. in tears.

Not to say that my marriage is in trouble or in need of saving. This movie's message spoke volumes to MY heart and the saving it would need if I didn't find my way back the the path. It was a subtle reminder of how far I have fallen and how tolerant I have become in so many ways.

I don't want to be there anymore.

It isn't about being "fireproof" so to speak, it's about knowing what to do when the fire comes.

Well, I know what to do, I have just been ignoring it.

And I will not ignore it any longer.

I can't believe...

That my baby brother is graduating 8th grade today...

My, my, how time flies.

Congratulations, Luke! You have such a bright future ahead and I am so proud of you as always!!

Rain, rain go away..

What a rainy day. I woke up this morning, startled by my alarm (which rarely happens since I'm usually up well before it goes off) and thought, today is a glasses day. Normally, I wear my contacts to work. Today is not one of those days - today is rainy and wet. This makes for serious allergy issues, of which I have many. They onset in my late teens; this is unnerving considering I had no allergies before that point. Today, I wish I was at home with my hubby. Nothing better than doing nothing on a rainy day. I believe a date night is in order :-)

I was thinking about people this morning. We are all so different - it's amazing how the Lord saw fit to give people different personalities. Sometimes, said personalities clash and sometimes they get along. I suppose deep down, I was always a strong personality - I just didn't have the courage to show it. As the years pass me by, I realize that life is too short to be a coward. It's so much more satisfying to be who I am without shame. People who are more transparent tend to live simpler lives - I hate liars for this reason. I suppose I should rephrase - I hate lying. This only goes hand in hand with people who feel the perpetual need to do this - I don't have time for people like that. I had this friend who always told me stories and when the time came for me to be around a group of this person's friends, paranoia would ensue. There was always a worry that I would let slip something that was said. I wondered why this was such a big deal until I realized that it was just another web. People like this spin so many webs for themselves that they almost forget who they can trust - and more importantly, who they truly are. To me, it's just simpler to be honest. Now, I'm not saying that I have never told a lie, that would be dishonest. The difference between telling a lie and living a lie is just that - what life is left to be had when it all comes tumbling down? Transparency is just the route I choose to go, it makes life simpler in the end. It may not win over many hearts, but I can sleep better at night knowing that the people I love know me for who I really am - just Laura.

Hm. I guess there is so much more behind that idea. Maybe I'll occupy myself with something else for the time being. The rain has created a fog for now.

Crossroads

Sitting at work on a beautiful day is beyond difficult. It's probably around 70 degrees outside and I'm stuck sitting behind a desk, waiting for some patients to arrive. The work flow has been slow going - a small hospital does warrant small patient volumes, but this is getting kind of boring. I have a lot throughout my day to keep me busy. Since I am the first one to arrive in the morning, I tend to finish most of my tasks before 8:30 am, which then leaves me wondering what to do with the rest of my shift. I have become a "point person" of sorts in this little hospital; it's really neat to know that I was here when it started and I can leave my own mark on it in some meaninfgul way. I've had conversations with many people regarding work - people wonder how I can work in a hospital setting.

"Hospitals are so depressing.." is usually the sentiment.

While this may be true for most, I truly and completely love my job and the environment that comes along. There are some absolutely difficult days and times when I go home wishing I hadn't seen what came through the emergency room doors. I float around the halls helping where I can, when I can - this gives a strong sense of accomplishment considering I can find answers, which I really like doing. "I don't know" is an answer I rarely (if ever) give to fellow employees; I try my best to find an answer or a solution to an unknown question or situation. I could never work in retail or customer service, my temper would definitely get the best of me. Some of the best experiences I've had in my working career were with many of the terminally ill patients I saw on a weekly or daily basis. People who stared the finiteness of life in the face and still had cause to smile. Tony Groves is one such man, who touched my heart and my life in ways that I will never forget. People like him make this kind of job worth while..

"I'm sorry little sister, but my bag of joy isn't very full today."

This was how he greeted me one day when I went to visit him. This man, so full of life and effervesence, was confined to a bed with the cancer that would eventually claim his life. I thought of the irony in his statement, the way that I had been grumbling about something or another that morning. I was instantly shamed before the God who had brought this man into my life to show me what it meant to have joy. And here he was, in terrible pain, apologizing for an empty "bag of joy." I earned another family through him - the Groves have been a wonderful blessing and joy in my life. I would never have had that opportunity had I not been in that place at that time.

All of this has got me thinking about fate..

Not fate in the normal sense of the word - more like the path stretching out before me. There are so many different roads we could take throughout the course of our lives, and yet we invariably end up on one. Good or bad, this is the path we chose, this is the life we live. Even after choosing, certain paths lead us to various others - what to do in this predicament? I was thinking about the path my life has taken; it's so different from where I would have imagined myself 10 years ago.

When I was having a similar conversation with my wonderful friend Brittany, the topic of choices was brought into view. December 2005 brought me to a crossroads in my life and I chose a path.

"I'm glad you chose Dave," was Brit's response to the story I told about that crossroad nearly four years ago. For obvious reasons, I am too. For reasons not so obvious - I can't imagine where my life would be had I gone another way. I have a wonderful husband, amazing friends, and a fantastic job that many people my age don't just happen upon - all reasons that the crossroad was a marvelous place to stop and take in my surroundings. At the time, I had absolutely no idea where it would take me. The reality is, the Lord watched over me and brought me here.

Trust is an unfathomable thing to bring back to life when it had be so abused. It's been an interesting road - lots of learning along the way. I like to think that, on this very beautiful day, while I am sitting here penning my thoughts in my office, that life could not be better than it is right now. It all could have been so different. I have found myself in ways that I never thought possible when I was growing up - a voice that is rarely at a loss for words. People I love seek my advice (if they want a very honest opinion, that is) and I enjoy that the Lord has sought fit to give me certain insights. Someday, I hope to write a book. I don't know what it will be about, but I trust that when the idea happens upon me, I'll sit down and write it out.

This certainly is a beautiful day. I can't wait to go home and hang out with my hubby.

Keep the Change

"To characterize men and women returning home after defending our country as potential terrorists is offensive and unacceptable," said Boehner, R-Ohio.


SERIOUSLY!? Thank you, government.. for COMPLETELY screwing and disrespecting every human being who has WILLINGLY (and some UNWILLINGLY!) given their lives to preserve our freedom! I'm so glad that Homeland Security (how odd that it takes a new administration for this garbage to come out) is wasting time reporting that these men and women could be susceptible to "extremist activity."

Here's an idea: Why not HELP them? It makes so much more sense to tear them down and leave them to fend completely for themselves. I can't imaging what these people have gone through, they are sent into third world countries to see things that the general American public will NEVER be privy to - I don't care who is in office or what their agenda, these soldiers deserve all our support and our respect. I'm sick of conservatism being labeled as a bad thing - what exactly is a right-wing extremist? I'm pretty sure there are left-wing extremists too.. we don't hear much about those people now, do we?

I have been silent too long.. I am tired of this craziness. Whether this is read by no one, I felt like speaking my mind. I am censuring myself to the best of my abilities. Above all else, I am called to be an example. I will leave off with a few thoughts..

1) Soldiers, I thank you for all that you have done and will continue to do. Your very existence is an integral part to our country's function. I hope someday, you all will be appreciated the way that you should be currently. For what it's worth - I thank God for all of you, every day.

2) America, you wanted change - Communism.. here we come!

Responsibility

Life has become naught but a whirlwind. I can't remember when I was last able to sit and just enjoy my day. Even my showers are quick and hurried. It's quite a treat when I can linger and let the hot water run cold. The new job is interesting - a lot of responsibility. At the end of the day though, I feel accomplished. I am making a difference in the way this place will run and that, is a pretty wonderful feeling.

Looking around at my surroundings constantly reminds me of the blessings in my life. I just wonder why other people cannot stop and notice the good. I was one of those people who focused very narrowly on the negative - it's so easy to do because it doesn't require any work. It takes work to notice the positive, especially when things aren't working out for the best.

The economic crisis that is currently plaguing our country (and our world) is yet another picture of how important it is to be thankful for the good. If someone had asked me, more than 5 years ago, where I saw myself at this stage in my life - my answer would not have placed me here. I saw accomplishment as earning multiple degrees, having a high paying career, being entirely self-sufficient and never (ever) submitting to another human being (even in marriage). It's amazing how life changes though; we can take the change and accept it or can spend our days wishing it were different. I look at my circumstances and am so, deeply thankful. I may not have many of the things I once thought were important, but I realize that none of those things would have given me joy. Happiness is irrelevant, it fades, it's circumstantial, it's a fleeting emotion tied to the status quo. I am not saying that happiness isn't important. My wedding day was a happy day. I was happy on my honeymoon. Birthdays and holidays make me happy (for the most part). Those are all things that we can rely on to make us happy. But what happens when the day is over? When all the people are gone and the attention has departed? Where is one left in that moment? If happiness is the sole emotion one relies on to get through life, it will be an unfortunate life, indeed. Marriage is a wonderful picture of this emotion. The "honeymoon" phase of marriage (which I am told I am still in) should be the happiest time in the couples' shared life, shouldn't it? So what happens when the "honeymoon" ends, so to speak? Why do so many marriages end in divorce? This isn't to say that there aren't valid reasons for divorce. Biblically speaking, there are valid reasons. However, the reason cited for many divorces: irreconcilable differences. What does that even mean? The happiness died down and suddenly we are left with a person that we hardly know, wondering what happened to the better times. I am certainly no expert on marriage or the wonder of making it last for 30+ years. I do however, admire those who have maintained that status for so many years. Isn't it about finding JOY and CONTENTMENT with what you have been given? I think so.