Have yourself a Merry little Christmas..

I'm sitting here in my family room, accompanied by silence. My husband is sitting on the couch reading a book, the TV is off and there is no music playing. It's blissful to know that you can sit in silence with the one you love.. but just having them nearby is more than enough. Unfortunately for me, silence isn't entirely golden. Most people enjoy the quiet - it's a break from the unending hurry life tends to present. For me personally, the quiet is a time to be alone with my thoughts. The truth of the matter is, my thoughts never leave me. They linger constantly - quiet little whispers at night, on to a low humming throughout the day. I know I've written about this before.. so I won't waste too much time on it now.

Some days though, I wish I could just turn it off.

I did come to the realization that I have had one day like this - my wedding day. I wasn't sure what to make of the fact that absolutely nothing bothered me on June 20, 2008 - maybe I was in some form of shock for the vast changes that would begin once I walked down that aisle. Or maybe I just turned off my emotions in case anything went wrong, this would allow me not to panic. The truth of the matter was: my brain was silent. For one day, my mind was silent to all the criticisms and analyzing that normally swirl about without ceasing. And I realized that I had no focus on anything except one thing..

David.

We did it. We had made it to a day that we thought would take an eternity to arrive.. and we made it through smiling. It truly was.. the best day of my life.


As I sit here, nearly six months later, that thought is still so strong within me. I have a home and a husband. God has blessed me so richly - not with things and possessions that mean nothing as time passes, but with the insurmountable joy that can only be found when we know He is Sovereign and Gracious to His children.

My little Christmas tree (which is quite lovely if I do say so myself) reminds me of these gifts that the Lord so willingly bestows upon me every day. This season is WHY I can say that I am a child of the Living God. The birth of baby Jesus separated life and death for this creation. Regardless of the twisted reasons for celebrating Christmas in winter - the Reason for the Season remains the same. I am in constant awe of His goodness.

It's sad for those whose hope is in things of this world - they will fail us. People fail, things fade away; we are but finite creatures.. wandering to our resting place.

I have so much more floating around in my head.. but for now.. I will retire. I want to cuddle with my hubby.

Somedays.. the past speaks

Last week, I brought a box of what I thought were sweaters, from my mom's house. When I went to open up the box, I found things ranging from baseball caps to my old journals. It was sort of just a mish mosh of a lot of different things I owned and held dear at one time. When I went through the sweaters, I realized that I didn't want any of them. The cowboy hats, thrilling whilst in Nashville, lose their luster back here in the north. As for some other hidden treasures: my old poetry notebooks and journals. Not sure what the worth is at this point, but looking through them gave me some insight into ghosts of the past. I decided that I would share one entry.. I think this might give a brief look into my head as a 16 year old.

February 25, 2001

I suppose life is all right. But have you ever felt like your life was a bottomless wishing well? Toss the coins of aspiration and dreams down, hoping and praying that the slight cling and clatter will ring acceptance into our ears. Perhaps the lack of that acceptance is what makes us stronger... but think about that phrase.. "makes us stronger.." Is there a point to experiencing traumatizing ordeals, only to chalk it up to lessons learnt? Is it the uncertainty or fear that keeps the door of our souls locked so tightly? He is hiding in the shadows of doubt and fear, and what's my response to that? It isn't human nature to show patience and acceptance to those who need it most. Rather, energy is exerted into being "politically correct" and caring for all the distorted, corrupt and sinful facets of man. Contrary to popular belief, love does discriminate. It hands itself to those who deserve it least of all, and yet hides itelf from compassion's orphan. Maybe tossing our dreams into that "wishing well" is just that.. tossing what we hope and pray for down into deep waters, somehow thinking that they'll be found and granted. Know this, relying on what appears solid, is the one thing that will bring all the chips down. Sometimes stability is best found in faith and the belief that it can be so much better than this...

I was 16 when I wrote that. To be honest, it's saddening to see how lost I felt at the time. It just proves that we grow in leaps and bounds when we allow ourselves to be open for that change. The Lord has been so good to me. I am so far from where I was then. I lived in a state of perpetual sadness, the reasons for which are not entirely lost on me today. I just choose the move in a constant forward motion. People who dwell on the past become embittered with the obstinate nature of it all. Why live in the past when there isn't a thing one can do to change it's events? After leafing through the whole thing, I decided I would throw it away. Some people may think that's silly, but I don't want to remember where I was back then. It's not a place I want to be again.

All I know is that life can be reduced to a series of choices. People who hide behind the past and a number of other things, are truly unable to let go long enough to find healing. Healing can be considered a frame of mind - you either want it, or you don't. I found healing when I let go of the anger in my heart. God did His part in bring my heart back to Himself. I was running.. without a purpose or direction.

The unfortunate part for most people, when they hit the brick wall, it isn't enough to wake them from their slumber.

Some say I am too blunt. Some say that I am too cynical. Some say that I am unfeeling and insensitive. All these things may be true... and while all these things may be part and parcel to my personality, they do not define me.

The One and Only Who defines me, is the One Whose healing Hand can save all. I pray for those who don't know Him. I pray for those who know Him and refuse to place Him in the driver's seat.

The road doesn't have to be traveled alone...

So why would anyone choose to do so?

Think about it... I've been there and come back. Not through my own volition. These are my late night thoughts..

Maybe someday, I will publish these, Pop.

Thanks for believing in me.

I am in love..

...With this beautiful season and it's amazing colors..

..with a wonderful husband who is my best friend and confidante..

.. and most importantly.. with Jesus. The Lover of my soul and my Saviour; through Whom all of these wonderful things combine with splendor and beauty that never cease to amaze..

A little bit of this.. a little bit of that..

Sleep can be so elusive sometimes. Today is one of those days.. I can't quite seem to grasp it before it slips right through my fingers. My husband is sleeping, probably will be for at least another two hours. I am perpetually awake.

Do you think in your sleep?

I do.

It's strange to wake up with an idea for solving a problem at work. Or some other strange occurance of realizing what I forgot at the grocery store. Not sure if anyone else does that, but it's a very odd occurrence. I suppose this post's beginning lives up to my "daily ramblings" blog title. One's mind isn't ready for a serious post when one has been awake since 6 am for no apparent reason. Well.. most minds aren't.. but mine never really slept.

My last blog was angry, to say the least. I couldn't seem to shake that feeling. Another example of my nocturnal thoughts. I went to bed upset by that stupid movie and woke up with those thoughts in my head. I have this unsettling feeling that I have allowed myself to be construed as something I am not. Case and point: I wouldn't usually write such a bold blog as my previous one. I am not ashamed of my faith or what I feel, but I tend to shy away from being so blunt about sensitive issues. I demand respect for my beliefs and morals, so I give it in return. Calling people stupid for what they hold most dear in their hearts, is not anyone's right. I know people who take it upon themselves to not only slam the opposition, but to also make their own points seem superior to the opposition. Mental, moral, political superiority.. my, my.. aren't you the smart one.

I have little patience for stupidity. This being an understatement, I should probably explain myself. I am a woman. Much of my fellow female race has allowed themselves to fall prey to being "girly." Now, before everyone gets upset by this statement, I will explain. Being "girly" is so different than embracing femininity. I cannot for the life of me understand why women use themselves in a sexual way to achieve status. This is not necessarily bound to the act of sex, it's more meant to say, "think for yourselves!" Having sexual intimacy is a beautiful thing, and unfortunately in this day and age, it has lost it's beauty and sacredness. Sexuality (and it's current perversions) is another one of those issues that I am careful about on most days.. today is one of them. It's too early to tackle all my issues with that one.

Seasons come and go. Summer has whispered it's last breath.. the leaves are changing colors and everything is beautiful right now. All aside for the hideous noise coming from the road construction. Some countries consider subjecting a human being with a single, repetitive noise a form of torture. I no longer wonder why. I love this season. It's an explosion of color. I look around my apartment at my fall decorations and wonder at what an Amazing God I serve. One with such a Creative Hand.. colors like this never were so beautiful.

My mind is scattered this morning.. forgive the shifting shape of this blog. For now, I sit here and wait for my husband to wake up.. maybe I'll watch my wedding DVD. It reminds me of many blessings I have in my life. It also reminds me where to be watchful. Weddings can bring out the best and worst in people. I learned that in an interesting way.

Today is just one of my daily ramblings..

Not for the faint of heart..

Lately I have been thinking. Lately I have been thinking about the world and where it's headed. Lately, I've been wondering whether bringing children up in this world would be worthwhile. Lately, I am disappointed with so many things. Lately, I'm not sure how people look themselves in the mirror when everything that flows from their mouths is sheer ignorance.
I am angry. I am irritated. I am disappointed. I am in awe. I am existing on the hope that things may change. I am a woman who knows my strengths and my limitations. I am a bond-servant of Jesus Christ. All I am.. is nothing. Who I am.. is nothing.

Why is it that people find such worth in emptiness? Who are we trying to please? I can tell you from experience that you won't find ONE person who won't let you down. It's in our nature to be that way; self-seeking, self-centered and fickle.

This is not meant to be a slam on humanity, or a depressing look into where my thoughts have been lately. I am simply venting, like so many people do, about the state in which I find my generation. I am sick and disgusted with people misrepresenting the God I serve. I am sick of the liberalism that infects every faction of life in this country. Call me whatever you want; narrow-minded, judgemental, mindless. None of these things offend me, nor do they describe me.

I watched a movie last night that was stupid from beginning to end. The previews started the drivel and it didn't end until the movie was over. I sat there wondering where this life is headed. Where people can sit on their couches and shake their fists at things they don't know or understand. Where our soldiers are mistreated and forgotten because this war was a "mistake." Where did people go wrong? When was a human life, whether the life be a soldier or one of an unborn child, become so inconsequntial and unimportant? I am frightened of bringing children into this world.

I am not ignorant to my limits. However, I am not on some mission for MY voice to be heard. I have nothing important to say. All I want is for my life to be seen as an example. For people to look at me and say, "I want what she has." THIS is making a difference people, not protests in the middle of crowded streets. Not shaking your fists at your television set without even the faintest knowledge of what's ACTUALLY going on in the world. My parents immigrated here from the middle east. You want some questions answered, ask people who were THERE. Take your documentaries and burn them. This is ignorance. Speaking against something you don't know.

"The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die boldly for a cause. The mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one." - Unknown -

I'm not sure who wrote that quote. I read it at the end of The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Sallinger. I wonder how many people will attempt to die boldly for a cause they don't even fully comprehend. This is an obvious exemption for our soldiers who are called to this life. Without going in to specifics (in the interest of time and other things), this is where I stand.

My name is Laura. I am a married twenty-something and am very content with my life. I have a wonderful husband and a supportive, loving family. I serve my God with as much humility and love that I possess in this body. I am in no way perfect or right. My morals are based on Biblical truths (for all you "Christians" who think the Bible should be loosely translated, shame on you), this being the road-map for my life. I am not ashamed of being a Christian. I am not afaid of people looking at these statements and thinking that I am stupid. I am not swayed by "logical arguments" that the Bible isn't the Living Word of God; in fact, I'm infuriated by those statements. I have no need in my life for people whose sole purpose in life is to pick fights and change my mind. Being a mindful and respectful person is a key to sustaining a lasting friendship. I have respect for all people and their beliefs, even if I don't agree with them. So don't try to change mine.

1 John 1
That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we looked upon and have touched with our hands, concerning the word of life— the life was made manifest, and we have seen it, and testify to it and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was made manifest to us— that which we have seen and heard we proclaim also to you, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ. And we are writing these things so that our joy may be complete. This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us

Training..

Is OH so much fun. I am on a short break right now.. so I thought I'd write.

We had a FABULOUS girls' night out yesterday! It was so great to be with other young, married women and just talk, laugh.. be ridiculous. It was great! What a blessing to be friends with such an amazing group of women.

With that said.. I had an idea last night. Well, it's an old idea with some added fuel. David and I probably have one of the most interesting stories behind our relationship.

I'm going to write about it. You see that, Joy?? I am. It'll take some time.. but it'll be a narrative of sorts. When it's all done, I will post for your viewing pleasure.

Well.. back to the grind. In for a LONG and eventful weekend. Will post more come Monday.

Until then..

SwedishAmerican

Okay.. short and sweet post...

I LOVE this hospital. It's only been a day and even the orientation had me impressed. That isn't an easy task.

My new manager is also great.

Will update later. For now, I'm off to bed.. with my adorable hubby.

"Stop this train..."

Well said Mr. Mayer...

Listening to this album takes me back to places... not really certain of the places and faces. All I know is that I am back somewhere, reaching for words that have been so elusive as of late. At the prompting of a new friend (wink) I started this blog. Not entirely sure where the road will lead, but I will take it without regard to its direction.

Life is so much like a train. It goes on without regard to direction... without regard to its surroundings.. without regard to what lies beyond the horizon. I am 23, married, living in a nearly new city, and starting a brand new job as of Monday. The amount of change my life has taken on in the recent months might be enough to make most people run away screaming. New faces... new places... same woman.

I am a woman of words...

Once, my words enveloped me. Cradling thoughts of uncertainty, angst and passion into a form that resembled art. This resemblance was stronger in the eyes of others... praise fell on deaf ear and the cradle continued on until...

Until it was gone. Vanished without reason... without a whisper as to where it may have gone. Trust is an unspeakably important thing to me now. Invasion of one's privacy will create a strange sense of numbness, even towards the one thing that kept me from falling away from it all many years ago.

I wish that this all made sense to me. I wish that words, the very things that helped me through, weren't such a mystery to me now. Someday.. I will write like I used to.. for now I know where some of my inspiration lies. As I was writing earlier, my husband was laying next to me. When he left... it stopped.

David has been an inspiration to me from the moment our relationship passed from friendship into something more. I'll have to post some old poetry some time soon. For now.. I am going to lay next to my wonderful husband and marvel at this train....

The one that doesn't stop... without regard...